Jul

1

Not to state the obvious… but it’s July already. Time and I have had a very strange relationship as of late. Days fly by but minutes drag on and on… I feel young and old at the same time. I am relaxed, and anxious. Tired but antsy. I wanna walk, drive, dance, sleep, die. It’s all very strange but it makes total sense in my mind. I’m going crazy but I’ve never felt better… except that one time. I still never know what day it is. The little things mean nothing to me anymore but they hurt me all the same. Food sounds delicious but I’m not hungry at all… and sometimes I’m hungry but then nothing sounds good. Life is a paradox. When you’ve stacked the deck just right the game changes. I feel free but lost… and yet, I’m always right where I need to be… if for no other reason than it’s where I am, who I am… I am. I am sorry and thankful; hurt and glad; loving and bitter; laughing and crying. I am all these things automatically… without trying to be anything, I am everything.
chillaxin

Jun

16

I think I’m awesome but I sometimes get surprised when others agree. I don’t like big crowds and I get embarrassed easily… but I am more than happy to go over the top and draw attention to myself to cheer someone up, especially if I’ve had a few drinks! I like most genres of music… (even country! *gasp!*) which either means I have a great appreciation for music or that I have no taste at all. I sing in the car, loudly, and I dance naked in the living room when no one is home. I love animals and babies for their pureness of heart. I’m not always very clean, but people tell me that I smell good quite a bit so I guess I’m not doing too bad when it comes to personal hygiene. I don’t like doing laundry or washing dishes so you can usually find piles of both in my apartment. I like all 4 seasons but summer is my favorite by far. I rarely get sick. I like my job most of the time but have never been ambitious. I love to be in love but find it hard to trust people. I’m not good at keeping in touch and it’s likely I’ll forget to call you back if I say I will. I don’t like wearing shoes and I like wearing socks even less… I have a pair of black reef flip flops that I wear whenever the weather allows (and even sometimes when it doesn’t). I laugh at puns and I think farts are funny. I love everything mid-century and sometimes wish that I could have grown up in the 50s. I want to be good at sports but I am really horrible at most things athletic. I have always wanted to wear glasses but have had 20/20 vision for my entire life. I love tattoos and would cover my body in them if I thought that I was cool enough to pull off the look. I change my mind a lot. I want to spend a summer on a sailboat… and maybe one on a ranch, riding horses all day. I like to be tickled because it feels good to laugh that hard. I never know what day of the week it is. I love to be tan. I like to take pictures but have little interest in the technical aspects of photography. I like to figure things out on my own. I’m really bad at math. I send mixed signals. I’m indecisive. I love inside jokes. I’d rather hang out with a group of guys than girls because girls are judgmental and catty. I crave honesty. I like typography and get nerdy over fonts. I don’t like to eat alone. I like clocks and mirrors… I will check my reflection in any shiny surface. I’m shy. I’m optimistic. I’m just a normal girl.

Jun

14

I love having a legit photobooth near by…

Jun

13

Mom and Sam are coming to town for the weekend. They are on their way as I type this… have I cleaned the apartment in anticipation of their arrival? No, I have not. I picked up the bits of polyfil strewn about the living room… the remnants of toys that Nathan has spent the week destroying. I meant to run the vacuum. I meant to pick up the dirty laundry off the floor… of course first I would have to put away the clean clothes that are still residing in various laundry baskets. I meant to gather all the miscellaneous shoes and put them away. I meant to wash the dishes… which have not been done since the last time mom was here to visit… over a month ago…

shit.

That sounds awful… I am not that big of a slob. (that may be debatable) It’s just that I really haven’t been home much so there hasn’t been much opportunity for the house to get that messy. The dishes… ok, they’re getting a bit out of hand… but I swear it’s not as gross as it sounds… it’s mostly glasses, no decaying remains of last weeks lunch, no slimy science experiments. But yeah, it’s still pretty bad. I think I’ll have about an hour between when I get home from work tonight and when they are expected to arrive… maybe I’ll try to get some things done then.

Oh, by the way… my lawn hasn’t been mowed since my lawnmower broke… last summer… (oops!)

Jun

7

Ladies and Gentlemen: I have officially joined the ranks of the crazy… the depressed, the unconscious, the misguided… I am paying someone to listen to me talk in hopes that they may identify what the hell my problem is. I am no stranger to psychoanalysis… no sir! but I am a novice, alas, identifying the deep seeded issues of my past and how they translate and manifest themselves in my day-to-day life is only a hobby of mine. So I have turned myself over to the pros in hopes that I may finally be able to find the missing piece in my understanding of the world and my role in it.

My first session was Thursday… and it was not what I expected. I knew I would have no problem talking… I talked almost non-stop for the entire 50 minutes. And I was happy with some of the things I was able to connect and that I didn’t get too far off track at any point… but I kinda expected to go in there, and have the guy tell me that I was shithead. Not in those words of course… but from what I’ve heard, this guy doesn’t mince words, he’s not going to flatter me for flattery’s sake… so I expected him to lay out some kind of hard truth… I expected to feel uncomfortable, to have to do some work. Maybe I just can’t expect to get down to the nitty gritty in the first session, but it felt way too easy. He told me that I was a very sharp young lady and that I spoke very eloquently and insightfully about things. He was impressed. (I was not surprised… but c’mon!) I expected him to tell me something that would help me let go… that he would explain some things in a way that would allow me to move forward… instead he seemed to do the opposite. He just seemed to validate all the feelings that I had been having and told me that, in his opinion, my observations were spot on. WHAT!?

He’s got some explaining to do next time…


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